Tuesday, June 17, 2008

My Side

We broke up a day before our 28th monthsary. He can't forgive me for what I've done. I contracted the virus through unprotected sex with other guys. It is not the fact that I've become HIV-positive that he's angry to me about, but rather the manner with which I got it. I was promiscuous. I got it where I could find it, and picked something along the way. It all happened last year. I know, because I had myself tested early last year and I came out negative.

Why did I do it? Why did I sleep around when I was in a relationship?

I was diagnosed with erectile dysfunction four or five years ago. It is caused by a hormonal derangement from a tumor in my head. Since then, I have undergone medication to treat the underlying cause. But I did not exclude the fact that the problem might also be psychological. So I began experimenting with various kinks and quirks that might trigger a better arousal.

Then I met my now-ex boyfriend. He swept me off my feet. He was (is) everything I've ever wanted in a man. I told him about my condition, and yet he accepted me. He did his best to please me sexually, and eventually he triumphed. He became the first guy who has ever made me orgasm. No one has done that before. I was always the doer. It's probably because my tumor was there during my experience with other guys, and it got treated by the time my boyfriend came along, but the fact remains that he's the first to make me cum on his own. I was hooked.

He is a very busy person. Lives literally depend on him. That means 24 to 48 hours of no contact, hours before receiving replies to texts. And when he is present, he's always tired, would rather just stay home and sleep, talk some if I'm lucky. Prior to all these, I tried to be supportive. I sent him food when he's too busy to go out and get food, forwent plans to go out, sacrificed time, money, effort and sometimes pride for his sake. I put his needs ahead of mine.

Things changed when he began meeting other guys. To this day, I do not know if he had sexual relations with other guys. But he admitted to meeting them. I felt betrayed. It shattered the complete and absolute trust I gave to him for the acceptance he made me feel. I told him I forgave him, and I tried. All I ended up doing is denying what happened. It has sown seeds of paranoia in me. I began looking for faults in him, spying on everything that may contain incriminating information. And the worst thing that happened was that I plotted revenge.

I gradually reverted back to swinger mode. At every act, I always thought, oh, he's doing it anyway. Also, I wanted to test myself if I can still get it up despite his absence. I was challenging the treatments I had. All in all, I got reckless and began doing it irresponsibly, unprotected.

Why didn't I just let him go? I couldn't. I didn't want to lose him. Like I said earlier, he is everything I have ever wanted in a man, and I wasn't prepared to lose him. I thought I can never find another like him or better than him. I was selfish. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. I sunk to the lowest that I can become.

So here I am now, alone and with a major crisis looming. So far I've only told one very good friend about the whole story. I've told another, short of the sordid details. My ex-boyfriend still wants to be around for me, which he says is out of love, but which I think is out of pity. He is an HIV/AIDS advocate to begin with. But since he cannot forgive me for what I did, we can no longer be together. He says he needs time, my friend said we need time. I need time too. Sadly for me, time is a luxury I can no longer afford.

Sunday, June 8, 2008

Please, call me Frog.

This is where I shall write my thoughts. They're gaining in number uncontrollably, and they need to be contained. More so now than ever, since finding out that I am living with HIV. Wow, that felt awkward. Reading what I just typed felt surreal, unsettling, troubling. I am currently fighting the urge to hit the backspace. HIV is not something you want to associate to yourself in writing if you are as insecure as I am. I am, however, on a mission to preserve my sanity by saying what I have to say, especially now that I am being forced to curtail my sentiments for the sake of my relationship. Not to mention that the Internet offers a veil of anonymity, under which I shall cower as I type bravely. Oh and yes, I am in a relationship. The discordant type. We are both suffering from my condition, and it pains me to see him buckle under the pressure of tending to the sick. My support system can only handle so much, and I don't want to overload it.

I am unloading my burden here, limited only by character spacing, inarticulateness, and IT department blocking. Fuck you, HIV. We've new weapons.

Oh, and read Murakami's After the Quake. Please, call me Frog.